Feeling better

You know, I have this habit of feeling like the world is ending whenever I am having a hard time. It is easy for me to slip into a dark place and to think that life will never be good again. Why do I do this? Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am feeling better now. I think I am feeling better because it is the fall.

The fall is extremely wonderful to me. I always have good memories of walks at Winterthur through the paths lined with trees. Looking all around me there was nothing but vibrant red,orange, and yellow and I would breathe in the smell of well, change. Our house would always smell like the fireplace which was burning constantly as the weather got cooler and it seemed like there was always football on the t.v.

Some night we would have bonfires outside and eat S'mores and talk. We actually did that last weekend and it was fun.


Now falls has new fun memories and things to look forward to. Mike and my anniversary was yesterday but we are celebrating today by going to the Poconos for the night. I am excited. I can't believe we have been married for three years. Mike is a wonderful husband and I feel so blessed to be his wife.

Sad

Some of you know that my grandfather died on Saturday morning. It was crazy because he has rallied so many times that we all kind of thought he would rally again.

Mike and I stayed at my parents house this weekend and Darby was home because we both were in Laura's wedding. My uncles are up from Florida and Linds and Col were home too.That is amazing. We were all here. It was God.

My mom called my dad on Saturday but he was in the shower so I answered the phone. My mom told me that I might want to visit Poppop cause he wasn't doing well. She didn't want to tell me how bad he was because of the wedding but I felt an urgency and went down there. When I pulled in my mom yelled down that if I ran I might be able to make it before he died. WHAT???!!! So I ran up the three flights of stairs and saw my grandmother sitting next to Poppop talking to him. I went in and gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. Then we sat down with him. My grandmother was still talking to him. Telling him all the people he would see in heaven. She said that he had fought so hard but it was ok to go. She said she loved every inch of him. Then she kissed him again. His breathing got slower and slower and then it stopped. It was a very surreal moment. Just my mom, my grandmother and me, sitting there crying while my grandfather breathed his last breath.

I called my sisters and broke the news. Mike and my dad came in and then Linds and Col and my uncle.

The saddest part was when they took his body away. My grandmother was just saying,"no no they are taking him, my John, they can't take him, not my John," that was heart wrenching. They had been married for 62 years and were always together. My grandmother was completely dependent on him. I cannot imagine losing Mike. It has only been three years of married and we are so entwined. I cannot imagine 62 years.

Anyway, I feel like I should write more about my grandfather's life and I will. But not now.

I love you Poppop. There is now a huge hole in the family but we know we will see you again someday.

October

I have started a new post several times about how much I love this month. I think it will be a good post. My mind however, is preoccupied with bridesmaid things for Laura's wedding on Saturday. So far, my undergarment that I ordered was allegedly delivered and taken off my front porch. My dress was supposed to be done Wed and it isn't yet. Darby and I are singing a song she wrote and I have yet to hear it. The wedding is tomorrow. The rehearsal is tonight. Zoinks. I am a tad stressed. Still, this stress is way better than the bad kind of, mean woman at work, hate your job, kind of stress.

I will write my October post later.

free at last

Yesterday I left my job. 2 days early. I walked out. I should feel guilty but I actually feel fantastic. On Wednesday my friend from work went in and told the director all about this mean person and how she was treating me. I went in later and explained that she was the reason I was leaving. Yesterday the mean person was furious. I could feel her rage when she walked in the room. She started being especially mean and when I went to say something to her she walked out and slammed the door. So I got up, said goodbye to my friend and left. It felt great. I then went to an interview and got another teaching job.

FALL!!!

Yesterday my mother, my sister, and I went fruit picking at Lindvilla Orchards in Media. We used to go to this place all the time when we were little. It is a little different because the original building burned down and was replaced with a smaller building but it actually still smells the same. It is a mixture of apple pie baking and fall. I can't explain it. You would just have to smell it to understand.

We took a hayride to the actual orchard and picked our apples and peaches. We had some nice conversation and female bonding. The sky was clear and deep blue. The air was crisp and fresh. I couldn't help feeling peaceful and happy.


Last night I made an apple pie. It was pretty tasty.

Dentist

I went to the Dentist today. I haven't been to a dentist in about 6 years and was kind of scared that he was going to say that my mouth was full of cavities. I have never had a cavity and the thought of having one makes me feel really sad.

Turns out I still don't have any cavities. It is great but it is also really strange. No one else that I know has never had a cavity. I don't even take exceptional care of my teeth. I only brush once a day usually, floss occasionally and there are some days when I forget to do both.

Oh well, awesome for me!

Yay.

So far I have lost 16lbs since I started weight watchers. I am proud of myself though I do have a lot more to lose. I just have to see every pound as a huge victory and have rewards for myself at different milestones.

Yesterday we went to the Eagles game and had really great seats. It was hot as all get out. I kept looking at the cheerleaders because we were close enough to see their faces. They weren't all that beautiful but they all had very tiny bodies. I was a little jealous.

I am tired and anxious about work. I don't feel like writing more now because I am writing in short sentences like a second grader reading an essay on their summer vacation. I apologize.

Learning

I often wonder if God puts me in situations that I can't handle myself just so that I will remember that he exists. DUH. Like this situation with work. I have tried everything in my power to make the situation better and it just keeps getting worse. Being that there are spies everywhere (if you think I am being paranoid just shoot me an email and I will explain) I won't go into too much detail here but let's just say that there is a spiritual battle at work. Both the other christian that I work with and I are quite aware of that.

I guess the the thing that I most have to realize in this situation is that I dwell in the shelter of the most high God. I am not alone. I am not an orphan. I have prayed and had others pray and now I just need to be at peace with the fact that God will handle things in His way and in His time. That is so hard for me to do. I want the pain to go away now. I know that His grace is sufficient for each situation and I am asking for that grace to cover me. I pray specifically that the truth will set me free.

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who was directly involved in my newest conflict(with the same person) at work though my friend doesn't even work at the same place, and she is praying specifically that obstacles will be removed for God's will to be done. Now, knowing that God wants good things for his children I have to believe that he doesn't want me to be working in such a hostile environment especially when I have done everything in my power to resolve things. Therefore, I believe that he will either help me to find another job or this specific person who is cause so much turmoil will be removed someway. The latter seems impossible so therefore I am thinking that God will have another job for me. It is sad though because I really love teaching my students.

Oh well. Please pray for me...whatever you are led to pray.

boring

I feel like my posts are so gloomy these days. I guess I am just going through one of those valleys in my life where it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Things were going really well for awhile so, I know things will get better again eventually. Sometimes I just feel so badly. I just feel so sad and hopeless and then I feel guilt on top of that because I have no reason to feel bad. Mike will come in to the bedroom to see how I am doing and I will just be staring. He lays down next to me and my bottom lip turns down into the uncontrollable and severe frown that I get when I am really sad and trying not to cry. He always knows that when the frowny face comes tears are going to follow soon. He always says, "oh no baby, why the frowny face" in his most caring voice. That makes me cry even harder cause He wants me to be happy. I truly believe that that is one of Mike's greatest wishes. It makes me feel so sad for him because he married a girl with major depressive disorder. I hate being depressed. I hate being overweight and depressed even more. I only go to the doctor about once a year not because I am not sick often but because 9 times out of 10 the doctor chalks my symptoms up to being depressed and/or it is because I am overweight. Really? I AM? I am depressed and overweight? I hadn't noticed. Thanks a heap doc. You are so SO smart. I got blood work done and my white blood cells are elevated...so there. Whatever that means.

Mike's dad just found out that he has a baseball sized tumor on his kidney and because 95% of the time it is cancerous( are they even going to check) they are taking his whole kidney out.



I don't feel like saying anything else just now.

GRRRRR!

People Suck! Sorry. Maybe not everyone but certainly a lot of PEOPLE SUCK. As a christian I know that I should love people. I really don't though. I kind of wish I did but not really. I have met a lot of people and it is my belief that maybe 10% of the world's population are horrible people. Yes this is judgmental and unkind but I do not care. The end.

Back on the horse

The bad news is that I am still fat and Laura's wedding in less than two months away. I am going to knock off a couple of lbs by then. The good news is that I lost 11lbs since the last time I started weight watchers and have decided to start again. I have thought many times about erasing this blog but I didn't and I am glad I didn't because this is my weight loss journey and I knew it would be hard. So here I am starting again. If you still read this, please let me know....and pray.

A new drug( this is going to be a long and rambly post)

Well not really a new drug. Just the same old one that people have been using from at least jesus's time. I am referring to the demon liquor. Yes, I will admit I am under the influence. Obviously not completely wasted because I can put thoughts together which doesn't happen when I am drunk. I am however a little tipsy and I must say that I feel pretty good.I need to feel good right now. Work is stressful and the whole grandfather dying soon is extremely sad and stressful.I am fond of get6ting slightly drunk every now and then to take the edge off life. Do I feel guilty? No. In fact, I think it is perfectly healthy and normal to get drunk every now and then. I used to use alcohol in much more of a dangerous way. Before I was married. When I was suicidal and bulimic. I remember sitting in my room at 12 Rose Hall (when I lived with Elis and Elizabeth back in the late 90's early 2000's)(for those of you who do not know) and just drink hard liquor that tasted terrible straight from the bottle with the intention of getting drunk as quickly as possible. I usually ended up crawling to my bathroom and puking most of the night away. Those were the days of still trying to find out who I was and what I was going to do with my life. I had a stupid nothing job and hadn't had a relationship since the 7th grade. Oh wait, I should warn you that the drink I am drinking now is incredibly strong and therefore this post will probably stop making sense pretty soon. So let me just say that I am interested to see what I have to say when I am drunk. Anyway, when I decided to go to YWAM I put drinking and pot smoking and making myself puke intentionally behind me and promised to walk the straight and narrow. That worked for awhile.

And now that some more alcohol has hit my blood stream I feel the overwhelming urge to talk about my dear husband Michael. I am married and I have a husband. That is crazy. I thought that I would NEVER find my husband. I didn't even settle. He is perfect for me and I love him more every day. I literally thought that I would be single forever. My friends can attest to that. It seemed to happen for everyone but me(and Elizabeth) and we honesty thought we would be forever alone(together). (hey if you are going to be a spinster you might as well be with someone who understands and makes you laugh). I mean, I remember always having these moments where I would just feel this complete and utter loneliness. I would be on the balcony of my grandparents condo when everyone else was asleep just listening to the waves and looking at the lights of Naples, Florida feeling this overwhelming emptiness and longing to be in love. Or being in love with someone and longing for them to love me back.Things seem to hit me especially hard when I was lying in bed on a summer night. The attic fan drowning out all noise except for my thoughts. I still get kind of queasy thinking about that yearning to be loved. The strange thing is that I felt that incomplete horrible loneliness for 20 some years. Michael comes back into my life) after 10 years of no contact after high school) and that all goes away instantly. Jeez, I love that dude.



What do I feel like writing about now? Ummmmmmm, Well I really love lime juice. It is my new thing. I like lime juice with triple sec, water and vodka. In the right amounts it makes a kamikaze. I think I use more lime juice and you aren't suppose to add water. When I make it it tastes kind of like lemonade. Limeade... with a tiny kick. I didn't add water to this drink so it is much stronger.

So now I feel like talking about random things that pop into my mind. I miss my friends. Elizabeth, Jessica, Elis,Laura, Nina. I know that you read this and I want to say that I miss you. I feel so secluded up here. Jessica's life is so glamorous and exciting and I feel like I haven't been a part of it in so long. I used to spend time everyday with Elizabeth when we lived together and when we didn't we still spent a couple of hours a week together. ARG, I miss my girls so much I could cry. That isn't just the booze talking. and dearest Nina, we used to write each other several times a day. Oh how our emails even now make me laugh. I do realize that life is just like that. relationships move in cycles and just because things aren't the way they were doesn't mean that things won't ever be good again. I just miss my friends. I am going to stop writing now because I really am feeling kind of drunk and don't want to bore my faithful readers. I will write again when I am feeling a little more sober.

Sadness

It is 3:48am and I can't sleep. I was told by Darby who spent the yesterday with my grandparents that my grandfather is really not doing well. I have been told this before in fact, he was given 6 months to live like 9 years ago. However, this time is really is not doing well. This time he really feels like he isn't going to live to see his next birthday. His birthday is next week. I am heartbroken as is the rest of my family. My grandfather, Poppop, has been such a huge part of our lives. Some people aren't close to their grandparents at all or even their parents for that matter but my family is very close and the imminent death of such a wonderful close person to me is really very traumatic.
Please also pray for me because I feel very isolated and alone and that makes me feel so much worse.

Yay!

So things are going well right now financially due to the fact that Mike and I are both working our butts off. It is awesome to be able to see the fruits of our labors. We are paying our bills, we bought a nice washer and dryer, we got our cars which is awesome(both pre owned of course) we are slowly getting the house in shape and yesterday I finally got a Wii. HOORAY!!!! Now, if I can just find Wii fit in stock. Keep your eye out and let me know if you see it.

I truly thank God that he has blessed us with the jobs that we have especially with the economy kind of iffy right now. Who knows where things will be in the future but as for now...things are good. It scares me to say that because I feel like when you admit that things are good things suddenly turn horrible. I am going to pray and trust that that does not happen.

Now, all I need is a baby, lose weight, get my house looking cute, and things will be perfect.

The ordeal

UGH. Mike is away in Chicago for a business trip and that always makes me sad. For some reason I always seem to have a crisis when he is gone. This time has been no exception.

Last night, after being at the school for 14 hours and just finding out that this overwhelming schedule is going to last longer than I thought due to a teacher quitting, I make it home around10:30 and I pretty much just want to take a shower, say hi to that cats, and go to sleep. I pull in to the back yard and shut the gates behind me and I feel a little sad an skittish because Mike always waits outside for me when I get home late. I walk into the house an the stink of the trash can hits me. Apparently, I need to take the trash out. I go into the living room to turn the air down because it is so hot and stinking and my cats are there meowing their hellos. Fiona, dear little sweet orphaned six fingered paws furry little purry snuggly drooling kneady(kneading), FIONA, is batting at something. I think it is a toy...until I saw that it is a MOUSE! and a not quite dead one. I scream. Fiona looks at me confused because obviously this is a present for me. Shit. So I try to, between my screams, thank her sweetly, and tell her that that was so nice of her to bring me a present(scream) but (OH GOD LET IT JUST DIE) I am (!((#(@()#, why isn't Mike here) just kind of scared of (scream cause it twitches again) of mice. I scream again and she and figgy dart upstairs. I then have to figure out how to get this dying mouse out of my house. I am sweating, I am cussing and I am crying. I am calling Mike frantically and he is not picking up. I know no one here and besides it is late at night. I am mad that this is happening. I begin to hyperventilate. I try to get a hold of myself with a lot of,"Ok, get it together, you can do this) Finally, after a breakdown and figuring out how to get it out I put the poor little dying mouse in a cup...screaming (me not the mouse) into the trash outside. I keep thinking I see other mice and am still sobbing at this point. I take a shower try to coax the cats out from under my bed and try to make Fiona feel better about her present. I also told her that it was a really good thing to get the mouse cause they shouldn't be in the house. I am still freaked out and frankly a little afraid to go downstairs. Another ten hour day of classes calls. Gotta go.

Thoughts

My head hurts. Yesterday Mike and I attended the 10 year anniversary and renewal of wedding vows of our friends, Heather and Chuck. It was a full on wedding because they never had one. It was beautiful and we were pleased to be a part of it. We didn't know too many people there besides Brian and Nina, Darby, Linds and Collin, Sarah and Jacob and Kate Dudley. It was still really fun.

This past week Mike and I were on vacation. We spent time with family and spent the night in Atlantic City at Trump Plaza. Mike won $208.00 at the slot machines. It was pretty exciting. He stopped while he was ahead.

I am excited to see Jen and Dave's baby girl and Susan and Jason's son. Babies are fun. I seriously hope we can have one one day soon.

This was a lame post but like I said, my head hurts.

Gardens

I love plants and flowers and my dream was to someday have an awesome garden of my own in my new house. wahwahwaaaaaaaah. Most of my plants have either died or are knocking at deaths door. My rose bushes are doing well and one azalea is hanging on for dear life. The other beautiful white azalea that my favorite mother in law gave me is mostly dead with one or two leaves with just a hint of green. I am praying for it to resurrect.

My dad's dad used to have beautiful flowers. My dad has beautiful flowers. My Mother in law has beautiful flowers. My flowers are not beautiful right now. I have hope.

On another note... I think my cell phone might be in Mike's car and he has been gone a long time at the store. I am worried but I can't call him cause I don't have my phone.

The end

Learning about me

I have a phobia. A true phobia is an intense irrational fear. It doesn't make sense. I have a dog ownership phobia. I literally cannot handle it. I love dogs. I love all animals. I want to own a dog. No wait...I want to be able to own a dog. I cannot own a dog. I get an adorable pup. I am fine for about an hour. I look at the dog and my heart starts pounding. My mouth goes dry. My chest closes up. I start to feel like I am going to faint. I have to have a way out. I have to have a way out. I must take the dog back. I am then consumed with getting the dog back to the owner. If I can't get a hold of that person I have a panic attack. I can't keep the dog. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a psycho.

O.C. 2008

Mike and I just got back from our annual family fun at Ocean City. It was fun as usual but it was better this year because we all stayed longer. We swam in the ocean, chilled in the sun, played putt putt golf(I came in 2nd and got a hole in one) played farkel and had lots of laughs. The only downside was the severe sunburn I and only I got. I did put on 45 sunblock but for some reason it didn't work. Could have been my meds. I attached a photo of me in the car with my red face. the rest of me is even worse.

How things are going

Here is a little update on my life. I started working days and nights last week and will continue doing it for the next 4 weeks. Tues-Thurs I work 8-2 and then 6-10. It is rough. Mondays I work til 2 and I don't work Fridays...which rocks.When I am not stressed about gas prices I go home in between but I work 45 minutes away and there is a small toll one way. Sometimes the 2 hours at home is worth it sometimes it isn't. I knew that it would have to be a temporary thing when I took the night class but I didn't know I would feel so bad so quickly. because of my fibromyalgia it is hard for me to recuperate and I need a lot of down time in order to feel OK. I haven't been getting that down time and my body has been yelling at me. It is kind of sad because I like my night class so far. I will explain later about the general population of my school. God is totally working on my patience and my attitude towards certain types of people. Like I said, I will explain later. Anyway, the money is nice and I will miss it when I go back to just working days.

Monetarily things are going well and I am looking forward to getting things for the house and making it feel more like home. It is cute by nature but I think some new furniture and some cool curtains and stuff will make it amazing.

I was off the wagon with losing weight but I am planning on trying a little harder since I am in the wedding of someone I love in October. That someone is Laura. Even though I will be the fattest one I don't seem to care that much because Mike loves me for who I am. That is amazing to me.

That is all I have to say for now.