1 month out

So tomorrow will mark 1 month since my surgery. I am feeling a bit more normal which is what I continue to crave. I want to feel good, of course, I want to lose weight, of course, I want to be healthy, of COURSE but want I really want is to feel like my life is normal again.
 For a girl who has a hard time adjusting to shocks to the system, physically and emotionally, this surgery has been a doooooooozie. First the physical aspect. I was cut and rearranged and things were removed. Muscle was cut and IVS, portals, tubes and drains were put in. I didn't sleep much for the first two weeks and it's quite easy to get dehydrated which I believe I almost was a few times. Mike had to give me shots for two weeks. Thank God we don't have to do that anymore. The pain was intense at times as were the intestinal issues.I still get lightheaded and tired and have to take vitamins and medicines that taste horrible. Emotionally, it's been even tougher. Before the surgery food was a huge part of my life. When I was sad or lonely ,bored ,depressed ,tired or happy, I would eat. We ate for entertainment and for the experience. It was so comforting to me to just sit down after a tough day and eat some of my favorite foods. I was addicted to sugar. Now I can't do that. I can't use food as a drug. I have to deal with every little thing that I am feeling and man I feel A LOT. Plus, I have used the weight as another security blanket. Over the years the blanket got too hot and heavy but it was who I thought I was, I didn't want to let go.I regretted the surgery as soon as it got tough...so day one. I am just now starting to remember why I wanted it in the first place. I feel better physically. My body doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did before surgery even my fibromyalgia isn't as bad. I love that my clothes are looser. For a girl who wants nothing but comfort it is nice to feel more comfortable. Anyway, that's how I feel right now.

Well, it has been two weeks today since I got my surgery and I would say that I am doing really well with my recovery. The first week was really rough. Lots of pain both inside and out and other not so pleasant things. I still am taking blood thinner shots in my belly every night which is rough but only have until Saturday. Then no more "pokes" as Senya says. Speaking of Sen, she sent me an adorable video greeting saying that she was sorry I had to get "lots of pokes". She knew that pokes hurt because she never has forgotten her shots. Such an adorable, smart and funny girl. I love her.

Mike has been really fantastic during all of this. I mean, I expect nothing less because he is always great but he has just been such a help during this time. He spent the nights curled up on a cot in the hospital room with me and made sure that I got everything I wanted or needed, including a fan to block out noise.

I would say right now the hardest thing for me to do is to take all the medication I am supposed to be taking. primarily because I can't swallow big pills so everything has to be chewable(yuck) or opened/crushed and consumed(triple yuck).

Anyway, that's all for now.

weight lifted

Well, I am finally getting what I have always wanted. A chance to be thin. I mean, ever since I can remember my number one wish was to lose weight. When I blew out my birthday candles. When I wished on a shooting star. I even remember in 1oth grade getting m&ms from the vending machine each morning and wishing to be thin on the green ones. Apparently that was a thing back then. I haven't heard of people wishing on green m&ms recently. Anyway, i thought my dreams would come true if I could just be thin. I don't know why I thought that. I also don't know what would have been thin enough to be considered thin.

I read a lot of people who have stories about their weight loss journey and they say things like, "I was always the fat kid". I would say that too except looking back at pictures, I was actually NOT a fat kid. Or a fat teenager. But someone told me I was, so I believed them. Actually, a lot of people told me I was. So, why wouldn't I believe them? I had a bit of a belly and my thighs were kind of chubby but I wasn't a fat kid. In fact, there are pictures were I look down right skinny. So, why did I always get the fat jokes? Why was I called fat and ugly by boys. Well, ok, compared to Darby who had the stick kind of body I guess I did look chubs. I was put on diets a lot and kept from eating sugary foods. I was dressed in dowdy 40 year old lady clothes because I guess my mom was thinking if I had a mature body I should dress like her? I don't actually know. I know that even when I was thin a lot of the junior clothes didn't fit because of my curves. Maybe that was why I was dressed the way I was. I really don't understand why I lived as a fat girl. I remember thinking I was fat in 8th grade and one of the popular girls said to me, "Look, your legs are the same size as mine are, you are not fat". I recently saw a picture of me in a bathing suit in I guess 8th or 9th grade and I looked like a pin up girl. It was this cute little black and hot pink polka dot with a heart shaped neckline. Yet I was so embarrassed by my "fat" body that I basically wore a shirt the whole time.

I didn't actually gain a lot of weight until after high school. I think I was 20 when I really became an obese person. I hate the word obese. GOD, I HATE THAT WORD. Oh and then there is morbidly obese. You are so fat you should just die. Or you are so fat you will die. Then, there is super morbidly obese. Like, wow she is like SUPER fat. The medical community loves to label you. The first thing on your chart before anything else is OBESITY. And, I know people have said this before but Doctors will do virtually nothing for a fat person. They will take no complaint seriously and will chalk everything up to your weight. I wasn't diagnosed with Fibromyalgia until I went to an awesome rheumatalogist who actually did the testing. Before when I told my many PCPs that I have debilitating pain and fatigue they would dismiss it as being cause by my weight. Oh, and the depression? fat related. Really? Even though depression runs in my family going back to my great grandmother who actually killed herself? yep, it is just because you are fat. Oh, ok. I literally go to the doctor about once a year because I cannot deal with the fact that everything is obesity related in their mind. Ok, moving on.

Oh hey, this retard nigger pollock chink fag came up to me the other day. Oh wait, is that offensive? HELL yes. I would be burned at the stake for saying that. However for some reason fat jokes are still ok.It's ok to use apps like fatify to see how funny it would be if you were fat. Movies and shows have no problem using fat suits to make someone look "hilarious" because they are fat. Oh, and the overweight people always break their seats or eat huge amounts of food or smell or fart or are just completely disgusting. It is what the world thinks of overweight people.

The point to all of this is that I am fucking tired of it. I want to be healthy and not mess my body up but most of all I want to be normal. I want to not be a joke. I know it will be a long road and tough and painful but nothing can be as painful as the shit I have had to take as a fat person.

That's all for now. Wait, no it isn't. I haven't let myself feel this anger at the world or people that I know for, well, ever. So here it goes:

I hate the fact that I wore a girdle all through high school. I hate the fact that older men leered at me and said horrible things to me and made me feel gross because I looked like a woman when I was a kid. I hate that because when I was little and looked like a woman none of the boys my age thought I was normal. Oh sure, they liked the boobs. It was ok to call me fat and then grab my boobs and butt because after all, boys will be boys. Or so I was told by two principles when I had the nerve to say something. I hate the fact that when I was in 1oth grade Mr. Strickland, and fuck Yes, I will use his name, the BIBLE teacher told me that I could be a model if only I had my sister's body. That is wrong and disgusting on so many levels. I hate the fact that another BIBLE teacher, Tim Rodkey, again, deserves to be called out by name, kept me after class everyday to make me "pick up paper". These mysteries wads of paper would end up on the floor of his classroom and he would make me clean them up everyday. Just me. He would sit at his desk and watch and say things like, "why don't you ever wear pants"? and I'll give you an A if you sit on my lap? How about just a kiss on the cheek? When I resisted his advances he got really angry and said that I had crossed a line. This was the epitome of the confusion I had growing up. I was told I was ugly and fat yet men were always coming on to me. Looking at my chest and butt. I was some weird mixture of horrible yet desirable. How does a young girl deal with this attention? I had teachers tell me, "you have such a beautiful face, if only you would lose weight" If only I would lose weight. Like I was trying to be fat. Like I was lazy and just wanted to sit around all day. I had no idea how to lose the weight? I walked for exercise everyday. My mother controlled my eating. Yet I had these damn curves that were just unacceptable. That was me. UNACCEPTABLE. I began to hate myself. Loathe my body.I just wanted to hide myself away from everyone's view. Yet, I craved attention too. I craved reassurance and love. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and not just my grandfather, who always was so encouraging.

As I got older I started to eat more and more. Usually, I waited for my parents to go to bed and would eat "my dad's ice cream". Since I wasn't allowed to have it and would get in trouble if I ate it I worked out this plan of skimming about an inch off the top and smooshing the lid back sown so it looked like I didn't take any. I would binge eat anything I could get my hands on. It felt amazing. The rebellion of eating when and what I wasn't supposed to. The actual textures and smells and feeling of the food in my mouth and going down my throat, filling that hole in my stomach and heart.

As I started to drive I would go to fast food places and order meals. Even when I wasn't hungry. I would go to the store and stash candy in my room and in my car. I remember when I was in college I bought bags of hershey's nuggets with almonds and just lie on my bed and eat them without leaving my room for hours.

As I started gaining weight the leering stopped. The touching and grabbing stopped. I was hiding or being hidden underneath this layer of insulation. I was glad yet horrified that i was being swallowed up by fat. Eventually, I just resigned myself to being hidden. You can't see the real me so you can't reject the real me. You don't know me so you can't hate me.

In my early 20's I moved in with my two best friends. I ate nothing but pizza, chinese food and taco bell. I also started making myself throw up. It made me feel less guilty and more in control, though I didn't actually lose any weight. It lasted for a few months until my sister and roommates called me on it. I started drinking and smoking pot. Anything to dull the pain that I felt inside. Fading the years of feeling worthless and detestable.

I have struggled. Not just with oh, I'm having a hard time saying no to these cookies. I mean tortured, really. I have wanted to kill myself many times and tried once or twice.

Overweight people are not always just people who eat too much. Sometimes we are suffering and struggling with things that have happened in our past. Or have a medical condition that keeps us from being a healthy weight. We are not fat because we want to be. We aren't just lazy and we don't all eat huge amounts of food. It is not funny to us when people make jokes. I don't care if it is about someone's momma or Fat Monica on friends. Everyone has issues. Sadly, we wear ours for everyone to see.

So now, I have had to deal with these issues of mine. Now that I am being given the gift of weight loss surgery I will not be hidden anymore. This scares me more than most other things. The only thing that scares me more is staying hidden for the rest of my life.

Someone discouragingly said that weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It sure hasn't been easy so far. I have had to deal with a lifetime of issues and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I will be giving up my self comforting. All of the things I do now for comfort will be stripped from me. No sugar or carbs or alcohol. I will only be able to eat a small amount of food and mainly liquids for the first 2 months. I will have to take protein supplements and many vitamins for the rest of my life.Does that sound easy to you? It sounds pretty hard to me.

I believe I can do it. I know I can. I am being courageous. I am have the guts to change something about myself that I want to change. I am letting myself believe that the unknown is going to be more good than bad and that I can truly have the life I want to have.

Thanks for reading. I am not going to check for typos because I usually end up erasing all of what I wrote and I want to get this out there.

Hooray

So for those of you who don't know, and frankly I believe there are only maybe 3 people who read this bog and therefore you DO know, I have been wanting to get weight loss surgery ever since I heard about it about 12 years ago. I never had insurance that would cover it which was always extremely discouraging to me.
In fact, about three years ago I thought our insurance would cover it so I went to a long information class where I was told I would die if I didn't get weight loss surgery. I thought and then said," Well, sign me up!". My excitement was short lived as I was told again that my surgery would not be covered by my insurance. You will die if you get this surgery but you can't get the surgery. I thought it was so cruel. I left feeling discouraged and morbidly obese in all senses of the phrase.

However, When Mike got the U of D job in November I immediately got on the ball. I made sure that we picked the plan that specifically covered weight loss surgery so I would not have any questions about being approved. I immediately started the process. Now when I say process I mean, sincerly one of the most tedious and painful processes that I can imagine. Every test you can imagine.Ultrasounds, x rays, psychiatric testing, pulmonary testing, sleep testing, an endoscopy, an ARTERIAL BLOOD GAS and yes, even a rectal exam. All this on top of what seemed like gallons of blood being taken out. All the tests came back normal and I was told time and again that I was an excellent candidate for surgery .However, we couldn't submit it to the insurance company until I had 90 days of nutrition counseling. Finally, on February 17th I finished my class nutrition appointment and I was submitted for approval. Yesterday, while out with a who was encouraging me that things will look up soon,I got a call saying that I had BEEN APPROVED!!!!! Thank the LORD JESUS. Now, the surgery is set for May 17th unless they get a cancellation. So, that's my story. Dreams do come true.

Oceans

I guess it was almost 7 years ago that my new boyfriend encouraged me to start blogging. That boyfriend is now my husband and it seems so odd that I have had this blog for that long. When I look back a the things I have written I get a sense of dramatic change in my life even though it doesn't seem like things have changed so much. It's a weird feeling like looking at pictures of when you were younger and you don't actually remember getting older or fatter or thinner or whatever.
Anyway, things have changed for sure.

I feel like so many more things will change soon. I just feel it in the ol' bones if ya know what I mean. Kind of like the 7 year itch, maybe. Except, hopefully, it will not include one or both of us having an affair, since that is what the 7 year itch really is about. What am I talking about? Anyway, I hope things will change for the good.

Here's something. It's been waaaaay too long since aunt flow has come to visit if you catch my drift. This has happened before and it is tortuous. The PMS literally feels like torture. I'm sure Mike feels tortured too. I hope it doesn't lead to the 7 year itch. Here I go again. I'll stop now.

shedding skin

You know, I wonder. I wonder if it hurts when an animal sheds it's skin. Or hurts a tree when it loses it's leaves. Maybe not physically but I wonder if they ever have a sense of loss. I guess that they don't but who really knows. It isn't like they can be asked. I feel like I am shedding skin or losing my leaves a bit and it really doesn't feel good at all. In fact, it hurts really badly. I am shedding friends. Relationships. Past behaviors. It is not fun and feels really uncomfortable.

I have had friends for awhile that I felt slipping away. I have been going in a different direction and noticed that we just don't have much in common anymore. These people I have cared about for so long but I can tell that they just don't really care about me anymore. I have been replaced. Maybe not intentionally but I have been just the same. I hear about thing that I would have been invited to awhile ago but wasn't this year. I see pictures of happy faces perfectly content with my absence. It hurts yet it feels right. When I do spend time with these people it is clear that I am not fitting in. I can't/don't drink to get drunk anymore and I feel like I have the same conversations with the same people I have had 50 times before. I'm no fun when they are with them because I am not having any fun and I can't pretend like I am. They are having fun with people that I just don't like.

The thing is I wish I could just say, " hey guys, I understand that we aren't really friends anymore so let's kind of just say goodbye so there is closure".

Anyway...that's that.

October

Well, things have been up in there are for what seems like forever and though the pieces are slowly falling into place, I have a feeling that I won't feel settled for awhile.

We were praying for what seemed like forever for mike to get a permanent job with good benefits. That prayer was graciously answered and he now is working back in Delaware which provides some really cool possibilities.

First, the possibility of moving back to Delaware is more than a little attractive. With so many of the people I love moving to California I feel like I need to circle the wagons around myself a little. What that basically means is moving closer to people I love and hope and pray and beg and plead that they do not leave me. Pathetic? Probably, but I'm cool with that. I am not happy with my sisters and nieces and nephew being across the country and now, to add insult to injury someone else I dearly dearly love has broken the news that she is most probably moving to L.A. too. Damn it all. Part of me wants to say, SCREW THIS S, and just move out there myself. But why? For what? My loved ones are there because of the dream of breaking into Hollywood. Not really my dream. It's so expensive to live out there that it just doesn't make sense because the only reason to move would be to be with people I love. Good reason but it seems so impractical. Plus, Mike just got the job in Delaware.

Now, in order for us to move to Delaware we need to sell this house. Seems like a huge insurmountable thing. I need to find a job down there and we need to you know, move. Stressful.
God has been very faithful and I know he will continue to be. Even things don't always happen quickly I always get what I want even if it isn't what I thought I wanted in the first place.

The other possibilities opening up are particularly exciting to me personally because the benefits we will be getting will cover some procedures that I have been looking into and wanting desperately for years. I am really hoping those things work out because they really would be my dreams coming true.

Well, that's all for now.

A post

Today seems like kind of a good day just because of the fact that I feel better than I have been feeling. I someone how got sick which is odd since I haven't had a cold in a long long while. I hate having to call out of work. It makes me feel so guilty and scared that my coworkers will get mad at me. I had to call out yesterday. I needed the night off and honestly, the rest coupled with the hot toddy I was drinking did the trick. You know what didn't do the trick? NyQuil and Dayquil. I felt really drugged but did not feel any better. Never again, I say.

I am reading a book called The Kitchen House. I really like it. It is about the life of a young Irish girl who is sold into indentured servant hood at a plantation in the late 1700's.

I am feeling tired now. I will right more later.

Aug. 10, 2011

Well, it was a rough weekend but the clouds are clearing.

Because Mike and I haven't had insurance since he stopped working at his previous job my Dr. thought it would be a good idea for me to try a generic medicine instead of my Lexapro.It was bad news for my emotions. On top of the medicine issue a lot of other emotionally challenging things popped up and I couldn't really deal well. On Monday I had had enough of feeling crazy and decided that I would GLADLY pay more money if it meant I could have the Lexapro. I ordered it from a Canadian pharmacy so it was a lot less expensive. I have been back on Lexapro for 3 days and I feel like I am feeling really good. Why can't I get it through my head that Lexapro works and I need to be on it?

I am reading Half Broke Horses by Jeanette walls and I love it. I loved The glass Castle by her as well.


Today is a lovely day and again it reminds me that lovely fall is just around the corner. Hooray. Life feels good again.

Tears

Today I have tears because it is my grandfather's birthday. I miss him so much and wish that he was still alive.

Today I have tears because Darby and Lyric and Ollie are going back to California. I hate that we live on opposite coasts and that I can't see them when I want or need to.

Today I have tears because it's August and Lindsay, Collin and Senya will be most likely leaving at the end of this month to move to California.

I don't have words for how happy Senya and Lyric and Ollie make me. Nor do I have the words to express my sadness that I can't be with them. I don't have any more chances to see my grandfather or to tell him that I love him so much.

All I have is tears.

Hello

Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I really just don't feel like saying anything. But I thought I would write today and see what comes out. It's almost August and that it kind of bizarre. When August hits I start tot get really excited for the fall and the stuff that comes with fall. The weird thing about summer is that I feel like when it is hot I hibernate just like I do when it is really cold outside. It is actually easier for me to go out when it's cold than when it is really hot.

We went camping last weekend with Lindsay, Collin, Sen, Jes Kruse, Dave and Jen cardine and their kids. Oh and Dex and Zuri. SO fun but I am really not a roughing it kind of girl. I like camping for a weekend, tops. The first night was so great. Though the day was sweltering we went to the lake and swam to cool off. Then the air cooled as the sun went down and we had dinner and all sat around the fire. Things were peaceful and nice. Perfect camping experience. The next night however, the white trash came out of the woodwork. Jeez, that was so mean. I am still kind of bitter, though. This large group of people set up shop right across from us and were really loud. After Sen went to bed it was kind of stressful because they were yelling and screaming and then their stupid car alarm kept going off and waking Sen up. They were also play rap music loudly past quiet time. Just as I was about to lose it, God sent a downpour of rain and the loudies scurried like roaches to get out of the rain. Heavenly, peace one again. The next morning we were awakened with LOUD country music blaring from their beat up truck. They kept playing this song over and over about being from the wrong side of Memphis. More like the wrong side of hell.

Now, originally Mike was kind of embarrassed that it was just him and me and the cockapoo in a 10 person tent but I think he was pretty happy we had settled on the weather master 10 when the rain was pouring and we were dry in our portable house. Snuggled in our air mattress with our battery operated fans and lantern to read by. I told you. I am NOT into roughing it. AND I need my space. If that means we need to get a tent with a foyer and a swinging side door than so be it.

Oh, you should know that I have mastered rice and beans. That is to say that I have found the most delicious way to make brown rice and beans. Sometimes the type of bean changes but the basic flavor stays the same. Besides seasoning the three must have ingredients for me are 1. Garlic 2. onions and 3. Jarred jalapenos. Gosh it is so so so good. I eat it everyday.

That's all for now.

I'm not who I've been. I'm not defined by my past. I've changed and grown and I like who I am. Don't pigeonholed me. I don't have to be the bad one or the fat one or the sarcastic or lazy one. I can be the pretty one. I can be the smart and the thin one. I am that one. I am. I am the one I want to be. I am.

Oh summer.

I had a great weekend.In my mind it was some of the best stuff that summer is made of. Just floating around in the pool with my straw hat and sunglasses on. Um, I had a bathing suit on too. No nude swimming in the middle of the day. I'm kind of strict about that rule. My doggie was floating on the raft with me. He will just climb right off the steps and right onto the raft because he doesn't like to be left behind. Ever.People I loved were there. Baby Sen was there in all her fanged glory. If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing this vampiresque girl, you need to. It will lighten your heart's load. I promise. She has two fangs in her upper mouth. It's hilarious and adorable.

The sun was hot but the pool was cool and there was a pleasant breeze in the shade. We ate food cooked outside. Many meatless treats including deviled eggs which is kind of the king of egg preparations in my book. Speaking of meatless... I have completely lost the taste for meat. It has been a long time coming but I really just can't really even choke it down. Maybe it is a mental block but meat tastes bad to me these days.

I'm pretty sunburned but it is a pleasant, albeit slightly painful, reminder of the great weekend. Hooray for summer. Though I am not a huge fan of the heat I am most definitely a fan of most other things summer.

Nice one

Just for today, Do not anger.

So, I have started my Reiki classes and for those of you who do not know what Reiki is, look it up. Lot's of people think it is a new age or creepy thing to do and really, it isn't. It's just the laying on of hands. It uses energy which we all have to heal. I make sure that I am giving credit to Jesus. He gives us the energy, in my book.

Anyway, the first principle to live a life of happiness is, "Just for today, do not anger". We focus on the moment, the present and we do not let anger get the best of us. Anger hurts us and it hurts those around us. I have been letting go of anger. It is quite liberating. In fact, I recently saw someone that I was EXTREMELY angry with at a party for a friend. I was able to tell him that I forgive him. I told him that we wouldn't be close but I would be civil. I told him that I don't trust him( and probably never will) but I will not actively harbor anger towards him.He thought that was nice but... it wasn't for him. It was for me and for others who were affected by my anger. I feel good about it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have let go of the anger cause let's face it, sometimes people fuck up BIG TIME. Then again, so do I. It's important to remember that.

I'm still feeling content with my life. I'm really enjoying simple things. I always have but sometimes, in the past, I have felt perpetual discontentment. I would always think I would be happy if I just had the next thing or if a certain situation would resolve. But things break and we can't control other people or their behavior. I want people to act and be a certain way but I. CANNOT. CONTROL. THEM. It is kind of rough to come to terms with that but it is just the plain damn truth. So, I'm trying to be what I value in other people. I'm trying to change what I can and release trying to control what I can't. It's like that old completely overused Serenity Prayer. I always wondered why the 12 step groups used it. Cause it's kind of true.

Just for today. I will not anger.

A new post for you

Here you go, loyal readers. I am sorry that I have been neglectful but in fact have been not only quite busy but also quite unmotivated as well. Forgiven? Ok, so a few things.


A. Been meditatin'. Not just meditating. Meditatin' makes you so relaxed that you leave of the g. I made that up. I have been doing guided visualizations. Nothing crazy or weird just going to my sacred place which is just a non overused version of my "happy place".It really helps me to get a hold of my emotions and quiet my spirit. I love it and I have seen a huge difference in the way I feel towards others.

B.I discovered fried pickles. Oh lordy. Hold me back. Them things is taaaasty little critters. Jeez, I cannot stop thinking in a southern drawl. Oh well, I'm fixin to just go with it. So, about them picks'. They are dill pickle chips dips in batter and deep fried. You then dip them in this tasty sauce. It's salty and sweetish and sour and dilly. Yum. I want some. real bad. They are $4.50 for a small order so I can't just get them whenever I want. I can dream about them, though.

My roses are so beautiful this year. I say that every year. They are fantastic and huge and yellow with pink outlining the petals. I also have pretty climbing roses. I ALSO have a doggie licking my face right now. Now that doggie is breathing his doggie breath on my face. Now that doggie is trying to get me to play so he is biting my hand. I am bored of writing this.

I can think of nothing to write. Adios.

What happen to the customer always being right? and other complaints from the old man...and me

Ok, so maybe there is some kind of Karma thing going on here or maybe customer service just sucks these days. Either way today we experienced the second experience in less than a week where the lack of good customer service or common decency, for that matter, left mike and I feeling a bit kicked in the old crotcharoo.

Last weekend Mike and I went away to Island beach AKA Tom's River,New Jersey. Mike and I had been there before and were in good spirits but it was after we couldn't find the hotel, were made to feel incredibly stupid by the manager of the hotel and then told they were charging us an extra 50.00 from the price quoted to us in an email that I was feeling mighty grumpy. This guy was so rude to us for no reason we both had to hold our anger at bay. My annoyance grew after mike started driving in circles looking for another hotel while they all looked like you could rent the room by hour. IF you know what I mean. I said in a snippy voice, "Can we just go to beach".Mike tried to find a place to park but for some reason was driving really slowly, which pissed me off more. COME ON! I said. I knew I was acting like a giant bitch but at the moment I couldn't stop. I couldn't. Bitchiness was flowing out of me like the river of life and I could NOT put a cork in it. I stomped out of the car and stomped down the beach. Literally. Stomped. Like a child. Like ME as a child when I would stomp up the stairs and into my room. If the beach had a door I would have slammed the hell out of it. This was my birthday celebration and it was ruined by a rude man with a graying bowl cut. I kid you not. He had a friggin bowl cut. It was graying. I was thinking the whole time, "seriously dude? you are going to be rude? Cause you have a BOWL CUT and you are like 50." Anyway, I stomped down to the beach expecting Mike to feel sorry for me. I am wondering what is taking so long for him to come down and do one of his, "listen babe..." speeches which always ends up with how he loves me so much and he just wants me to be happy so he'll do whatever I want. I turn around to see what is taking him so long and he has his big camera out and is snapping pictures like a tourist with nothing on his mind. I stomp up to him and say, "Can we LEAVE ?! I hate this place right now. I hate it. I want to go home. I am ready to have a panic attack!" I start stomping away and Mike, snapping a few more pictures, gets in the car. I start to cry and say that I realize I am acting like a brat but I am just so mad at the retarded guy with the retarded hair. Mike turns to me and proceeds with his," Listen Babe..." speech. He found a nice comfort inn and the rest of the night was really nice.

TODAY, Mike and had another bad experience with customer service. without going into it, it wasn't as bad as our trip experience but it was still frustrating. Mike made me feel better by taking me to the really nice restaurant called...something. I forget the name. Like, Federal, no CAPITAL, that's it...Capital Grill. Actually, it was a swanky place so I'm pretty sure there was E on the end of Grille. I had this amazing crab and lobster cake and Truffle fries. Truffle as in mushroom truffle. Not chocolate. Anyway, it was DELISH. The kind of food that makes you wonder what you were eating before cause it sure's the hell wasn't food.

Oh update...I wrote this post last night and today Mike got a call from the GM of JCPenney where we had the issue yesterday. He rectified the sitch so good customer service still exists. Hooray for the world.

Oh, and lastly, Mike just got a log term job today. It isn't permanent but seems to be a really good thing for us right now. Hallelujah.

Spring and things

It's almost officially spring but it is already spring in my head and heart. My flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer and I have been celebrating my birthday with people. I might rush spring a bit but with all the cold weather in my town and in my heart I'm ready for some serious warming all around. My depression was particularly bad this winter as was my substance abuse. If you have ever experienced such emotional pain then you know how life feels like spring when you start to see the flower buds of hope popping up. When you have severe depression you don't really see the flowers though you might be looking straight at them. You can't feel the sun though you know that it is shining on you. It is like everything is colored gray like a black and white movie. The movie isn't interesting though, it is just on in the back round creating noise when you are trying to sleep. So when you start feeling better it is like little parts of the movie have color again. Maybe a woman's lips are red. Maybe there is a green blade of grass. Then more and more things are turning colors until you are intrigued with the movie. Then you start to hear the dialogue and you start laughing until finally you think,"Oh I REMEMBER this movie. It's my favorite." It's a great feeling. a great great feeling.

This is all I want to say now.

Double Shift

Today I'm working a double shift. Teaching a morning and night class. Wait, I just have to real quick say that the stink is still an issue so I am pressing through the impulse to stand up and shout, "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT, PEOPLE" at the top of my lungs. However, being the day it was I don't want to press my luck. I am talking about the fact that several people from our campus got laid off and one got fired. A friend of mine, a teaching assistant, was one of the heads on the block. I feel sad that he is gone but also a sense of relief that I was told that I was "safe". That was the word used. You know, while he was really fun to have around, he had some strange habits.A. He sniffed me. Like he would put his nose to my arm and breath in my scent. He would say I smell wonderful. Now, I am aware that I have achieved that intoxicating mix of fresh.light.clean. But well, I'm a married girl and if I weren't it would still be kind of odd to just breathe in my arm, albeit the intoxicating fresh. light. clean. So that's weird. He does have a good sense of humor and made me laugh. He also thought I was his age, 24, so that's pretty cool.

Moving on to my other friend that I work with. This friend I love. This friend is hilarious and really sweet and super cute. This friend has been flirty with me for about a year but I didn't think anything of it because he IS a homosexual after all. He is openly gay. This friend told me today that he has a crush on me. Like, a for real crush. I said, "You're GAY". He said it doesn't matter because he still can get a crush on girls and he thinks I'm so cute. That's really flattering and sweet and all but...um. I'm confused.

In between classes today I didn't have enough time to go home so I went into a dark room, played music and took a nice little nap. As I was leaving the room I saw a super cute man walk in the door. It took me a few seconds in my freshly napped state to realize that it was Mike. My husband Mike. He had come to visit me because he loves me. He said I had a really sweet expression on my face like I was totally happy and surprised to see him. I was. It was so so sweet of him to come and I just felt so warm and safe and special to him. It was a small moment in time but for some reason it was one of my favorite ones thus far.

This room literally smells like one giant stinky armpit. Like maybe the walls are made of pits or something. I had to announce that it smells. I said, "OK, so it smells like stinky arm pits". Everyone was like, "It's not me". I said, "well, I'm just saying". One of my students, that I love, said in his cute little Spanish accent, "Well, she is just saying that good hygiene is important". He is not the one that smells. I know who it is. She was the first to say,"It's not me, I'm wearing deodorant". I said in my head,"Reapply." I should have said it out loud.

Things in my head

Since I write what I am feeling and then often leave it as a draft or erase it before I post, I have decided to just write and post. Boom. Write and post. Boom. Just like that. Just like what is in my head will just spill out and then I will post it. Boom. Just like that. Sorry. Anyway, so this is what is in my head....


Hygiene. More specifically, the lack of good hygiene. I never would have believed this but I come in contact with numerous students who literally stink. Like, truly smell bad. I even teach a huge chapter on hygiene and germs and all that jazz. I make it a point to be specific about how horrible it is for a massage therapist to smell bad. I'm talking bad breath, horrible under arm odor that clearly smells like the person A. wears no deodorant and B. hasn't showered for a few days. Stinky feet, like they never change their socks and have some sort of fungus. Smelly hair, like that yucky old oily hair stink. and worst of all...I mean really truly gag me with the stench, butt and/or crotch odor. Like men and women that smell of stinky butt/crotch. What the HELL people. What. THE. HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL. These people are adults and I have to tell them that other class mates have complained about their hygiene. It's so uncomfortable for me and the worst part is is that they just go on stinking. Ok, so, I kid you not. As I write this a student came over to get a paper towel because she was sweating and she smelled like pit stink. She is in her 30's. She doesn't look like she should stink but yet...she really does.

So I, as someone who is A. Married to a remarkable unstinky man and B. obsessed with smelling pleasant have some questions. First, may I state for the record that I might even take the hygiene overboard. Yes, I shower and wash my hair every day but I also take a bath at night. That is usually for pain relief and relaxation but I suds up for sure. I like to smell clean and feel fresh. I brush my teeth twice a day but also floss like it's going out of style. I actually love to floss. I've never had a cavity so...I'm pretty proud of that. I use deodorant and powder. Powder works great for the undies. In fact, I use Lush powder in the aptly named Silky Underwear. I use lotion and spray on my body . The effect is fresh, light and clean. that's how I want the air around me to be. SO, I feel assaulted when I get hit with a wall of stench. Oh right, my questions are A. Do you know you smell and B. Why do you smell? Do you not smell that stinky smell and wonder," hmm, is that me?" and if you do do you not think to your self,"hmm, shouldn't I do something about that stink"? It boggles my mind people. My mind is officially boggled.

Ugh. Bleck. I'm smelling it. I'm smelling it right now. The stink. The stank. The stunk. It wafts in this direction. I checked to see if it was me. Of course, I am normal so that is the first thing I do. It is not. I have achieved the desired Fresh.Light. Clean.

So besides having a almost visual cloud of green noxious gas floating in front of my face I also have a horrible headache. Maybe it's because of the green gas cloud.

That what's going on with me. Write. Post. Boom. Just like that.

Better

I have been feeling much much happier lately. As some of you know, if there is anyone who still reads my neglected blog, I have had a pretty tough couple of years. The past few months have especially sucked. I had some stress, anger and sadness that were the dominant emotions in my life. In order to make myself feel better I kicked the drinking and other stuff up a good 40 notches. That was a completely random estimate of notches kicked. I don't even know what that means, sorry. My point is that I was drinking a lot. A LOT a lot. As in, drinking at inappropriate times and being drunk when I should not be drinking at all. Also, drinking massive quantities of whatever I could get my hands on and smoking stuff that isn't legal.That went on for a good year, I'd say.

So a few weekends ago I hit rock bottom. I won't go into details but it involved a weekend that I can't quite recall. Mike filled me in on why water was pouring through the ceiling and why we needed a new toilet. Why he was washing sheets and my pajamas and why he hid a bottle of sleeping pills.

Darby had me go back and look at some texts I had sent and explained why she was going to call an ambulance from California.

Bad bad weekend. The good news is that I am on my antidepressant like I should be. I also have chosen to live a sober lifestyle.

I have also chosen to heal from anger and hurt and make my relationship with God a priority.

So far so good. It's a struggle to live a healthy life but it's what I want.